Snakes Do Not Belong in the House…

Last night the Brz clan suffered severe trauma and emotional distress of a decidedly reptilian nature.  The following excerpt (with  some minor tweaking) was written for some cyberfriends over on my favorite decorating forum.  As I’m finding myself in need of further catharsis, the blog world now gets a dose of  same. (If Reuters would run the story, I’d be on the phone post haste.)

This does not make me feel better (just so you know.)

DS walks in the front door and calmly announces, “Well? There’s a snake in the house.”

Mom, “Son? You had better be joking and that is so not funny.”

DS: “I’m not… its right there by the stairs.”

At which point general panic maneuvers begin. Everyone grabs a dog, Mr. Brz takes a peek, Mrs. Brz pulls her feetsies off the floor and tries to decide if the back of the couch will hold both her *and* the poodle. DD3 has JoJo (the boxer) immobilized in the kitchen. DS keeps Snake Watch.

Snake decides that now would be a great time to head upstairs. Mrs. Brz is kicking herself for not buying that frog gig (which her friend, Annie, says is perfect for skewering snakes in place before blowing their heads off with a shotgun). Mr. Brz finally decides that a dustmop handle will pin snake to the floor, but then is trapped holding a dustmop with a pinned snake underneath and no means of snake removal without destroying the lovely flooring.

Everyone proclaims that the snake is poisonous because that’s about all we’ve seen around here– and it’s marked like a cottonmouth. There is a general increase of panic-i-ness combined with much hand waving and running about in circles while Mr. Brz wants ’someone to bring him something.’ DD3 finally crates JoJo, brings various kitchen implements to Mr. Brz which are all proclaimed ‘too short.’ More squealing, more circling, more panicking.

At this point, everything gets a bit fuzzy.

Once Mrs. Brz regains consciousness, Mr. Brz is holding Mr. Snake behind the snaky ears and proclaiming him “Harmless”… (Harmless? The Brz’s almost died of mass hysteria!) Then there’s a general round of negotiations concerning whether Mr. Snake should die just because he’s a snake and dared to cross the threshold (and whether snakes remember how to get back inside and return to the scene of the crime) or should be let go as he’s obviously been traumatized enough and therefore learned his lesson. It is finally decided that, if Mr. Brz will take the snake far enough away (like France), then the snake may live. Mr. Brz leaves but returns only *5 minutes later* which brings on another wave of wide-spread panic maneuvers.

Phone calls are made to various sympathetic friends and family members, the story is embellished accordingly and, for the rest of the evening, The 3 Fearless Brz’s randomly yell ‘Snake in the House!’ because watching Mrs. Brz hyperventilate is so much fun.

The End.

Oh, and it was a black snake which are harmless but have alot of nerve.

Since last evening, various People Who Shall Remain Nameless have called to remind the Mrs. that there was an actual snake in the actual house whilest snickering in a highly annoying manner.

So not funny.

Popularity: 14% [?]